definite lack of cynicism. forgive me. it'll be back tomorrow.

I can do this.
Truly, I can.
continuing AM's tradition of sad songs... all of this should be approached not only with mild sarcasm but also with a little pathetic tear in the corner of the eye....



beware everyone allergic to cliches. because this is me doing a little teenage retrospective.
There is nothing you guys don't know. So i figured there'd be nothing to write. but then I remembered that i am crap at remembering. it just hit me: the things that i forget.

Amsterdam kicked off the change. the Nazi and I had a great time. who would have thought. on our first night i managed to get both drunk and high and then spend some truly remarkable and perfect moments discovering the inner shape of the toilet in our hostel room. and then the next day after facing near-extinction 24 hours earlier i met up with M. it took about 15 minutes for me to realize that i had not just been obsessed for the past 5 or whatever years. wow, yours truly had actually been in love for the whole time. who'd have thought... so i told him. a perfect moment, perfect honesty. and then nothingness. a lot of new misunderstandings and having conversations with myself. but i got rid of it. you know, the same nothingness that had been full of the old nothingness was now actually completely empty. my all-time favorite affirmation came to be 'I'm fine'. on the train to Amsterdam i had been so scared and so so so tired of trying, that when Nazi was asleep I had a quiet but massive nervous-breakdown. somehow i expected the same to happen on the ride back as well, but it didn't. i was just empty. and then like that for another few weeks. and then i stopped caring. click. that funny week followed when i spent my whole days at the British library and nights at weird parties either alone or with weird people. probably due to lack of sleep and too much alcohol in my blood everything started seeming miniature. you know what i mean? like you can handle and conquer and have things and situations. haha. like i'm a grown-up and my life is my own.
so in between there was the day with the ex-husband and T. (How weird, I've just spent a good few minutes trying to figure out a name for T here. you know, something characteristic, etc... but i'm unable to make one up and wonder whether it's because this is seriously the first time I'm attempting a relationship (?) without approaching it with cynicism... or is the lack of a good name a sign of me not having really been able to discuss this 'thing' with all four of us around the table? so, until we are together around one table with four perfect cocktails in front of us,he shall remain T. and if he's still around then we'll change it.)
I miss you guys. i miss us.
my focus right now is not sharp... there's still too much and slightly too little. and more than anything I want to WANT more. from myself that is.

perhaps tomorrow I'll write something a little more relevant now that the catch-up with myself has been done.

BIG D.