dear diary.

dear diary, it has been a long time since my last confession. too long. longlonglonglonglong. i believe i am now back among the living because i can actually feel that london is making me feel a bit down again. (note that there was no such actual feeling a while ago when everything exploded).
news? me and A entered the state of an old married couple yesterday when we met up to go and see the fireworks and afterwards both went our separate ways (home) and the worrying-bit... were both relieved about being able to be alone. is that terrible? does it mean the beginning of the end? am constantly scared of losing him, him getting bored of me, etc... what on earth have i become? since when am i the clingy person who asks "so when do i see you next"... since today, on the phone.
am wondering that perhaps i've got a little too much time on my hands. since getting back to london and after A's birthday trip to barcelona and my trip to iceland, i'm not really doing much. feels weird. the whole film thing in est ended with such a rush and it feels weird not to be busy doing something i love. so i try to write a little and read stuff for my dissertation but there is a kind of block in the air. don't know. and at the same time i'm scared of ending up where i did last spring. so the plan is to become more physically active. tonight is yoga. tomorrow i'm trying mountain climbing. perhaps it is only structure to my days that i need.
oh dear diary.... please save me from myself.
i wanted to talk about frenchie... the other day her brother came over to pick up some stuff and i swear i have never, ever, seen a brother admire and miss his older sister more. seriously. my old nostalgic and emotional self just wanted to shed a tear and my new melancholic self nearly did.
i write this, and once again feel that maybe i'm in love with everything around me. but this time it's no longer the first, intense, all-consuming love, but just calm and admiring. i miss you guys. seriously, there is noone to remind me that i'm getting too touchy-feely... is that how you spell it?
bam-bam called me this morning when i was in bed with fever. i will now call her back and pray that she does not expect me to leave my beloved, yet over-priced, se1.
and frenchie is coming on friday. heard this and my heart skipped a beat.
a'bama mama...COME BAAAAAAAACK. do you not hear me shouting it out loud across the mountains and seas like miss eyre did? COME BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. come back to us.
oh, dear diary, i am ever so lucky to have the friends that i have. even if we are not all in the room.